happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
