People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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