I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
