New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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