His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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