I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
