: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
