FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
