he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
