I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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