He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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