i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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