I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
