He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
