fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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