I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
