I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
