I wannas sexs uuuuu
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
