I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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