Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
