For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
