I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
