So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
