Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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