when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
