I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
