FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
