I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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