My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
