i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
