one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
