I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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