he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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