I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
