kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
