dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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