Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
