Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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