I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
