I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
