remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
