Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
