His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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