R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
