Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
