so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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