i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
