I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
