Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
