i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
