I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
